The devastation of divorce.

By: Laura Sayers Bytwerk

It does kind of feel like that. Devastation. Like your entire life, no, your entire world…has blown up. Divorce rocks you to your core. 

At least, I remember it feeling that way. Like I couldn’t think, act or even see the road ahead of me. I felt anger. I felt shame. I felt hurt. 

I felt…like I couldn’t breathe.

I felt abandoned. My spouse had given up on us. But I was still trying, still giving it everything I had in me to fix and save our broken marriage. I didn’t want the marriage to dissolve, but I knew it wasn’t healthy for any of us to go on living like that. Not me, not my spouse, not the kids. 

But divorce seemed way worse for some reason. Like a scarlet letter waiting to be branded into my forehead with a hot iron. Whatever was causing, the shame, the anger, the hurt, the being discarded like I had been tossed with the trash…it felt hopeless.

Like I would never breathe again. 

An asthmatic having an attack knows what is happening to their lungs at that moment. But their body still goes into fight or flight, trying to attack the constriction of bronchial tubes while their brain sends signals to organs to prepare themselves for imminent death. 

The brain messages to your neurological system…you can not get air…you need air…conserve at all costs…fight to stay alive…you may not survive this…but there’s a slight chance air might come again…there is…

Hope. 

God’s ordained science of medicine arrives and the asthmatic cups their lips to the inhaler. One second, two seconds, another moment of their brain assessing the situation. Am I alive? Will I survive? Can I breathe? Should I fight? It feels too late to take flight. 

The critical moment of neurological panic, preparing for imminent death after battle, has now passed.  But you, you feel like you have been through a war. Like you need someone to hold you, to help you stand, to help you function at the most basic level. Logic and thoughts are short-circuited at that time. Your neurological system seems frozen, unable to regain its normal routine. Everything is foggy.

That is what the divorced partner feels like, unable to function on their own…at the most basic level. Or I did at least. But there is hope. There is a safety net of lifesaving, inhaled medicine. The court system WILL protect you. The brain starts doing another system check.  Blood is flowing, air is entering and exhaling. Bronchial tubes are dilating properly now. But the fog, it’s still there. That trauma…it still occurred. 

And you feel like you need help…to just stand. 

Or think.

Or drive.

Or cook the kids dinner.

Or get them out the door to school.

Or speak with the attorney.

Or figure out how…you will find work to support yourself and the children.

They took the reliable car. 

The attorney says you will have to sell your house. 

You can’t afford the grocery store, much less the tank of gas the unreliable car is thirsty for. 

That is when the shame arrives again. 

I needed help. Help with groceries, help with car repairs, help to not lose my mind in the quiet of the dark nights. I can’t ask my friends, I’m too ashamed. I can’t ask my family, they might shake their head in disappointment at my spousal choice again. 

God and I talk all day long now.  Every moment of the day, I’m begging Him for strength, for courage, for wisdom, for our basic needs and for someone to help. I’m certain I can not travel this road alone. I constantly have a conversation with Him about the “why”. 

Why did this have to happen? 

Why He didn’t answer my prayer to heal our marriage? 

Why must my kids walk this journey they don’t deserve?

Why do I feel like there is no hope? 

Why do I feel unworthy of being loved and fought for?

Those answers were not always clear. Certainly they weren’t clear in the early moments, months or even a year or two after my bronchi had constricted and my spouse called it quits. There were always answers of some kind.  There was always provision for our basic needs. There was “bubble money” that would float in from the most unusual places in life…a landlord who said, sure, I’ll take less in rent if that’s all you can afford, a car that kept running despite what the mechanic said to expect. 

Our needs, they were ALWAYS met. 

Philippians 4:19 MEV My God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. 

There was hope. There was His promise of provision. There was another day, successfully survived and more wisdom gained through my conversations with Jesus that day. I started calling Him Papa during that time. It just seemed to fit. He was that one place of safety and security. A place where I could crawl up in his lap when the divorce journey was especially dark and feel safe.

And feel loved.

And feel wanted.

And feel cared for and safe.

And feel hope. 

Hope that tomorrow might be a little better.  Hope that it might be a little easier.  Hope that money for gas, groceries and paying the attorney bill would arrive. Hope that my kids would not be scarred beyond repair. 

There is Hope. 

And you my friend, you are not alone. You are not the only one who has traveled this awful journey of divorce. You will survive.  You will thrive again.  Your kids will be great. YOU will be great and filled with hope, just because of everything you will learn on this curvy, hard path. 

Today, I encourage you to have that conversation.  Talk to Papa and tell Him your hurts and sadness.  Talk about the feelings that felt like death was imminent. Talk about the rejection you feel. But know that you ARE loved.  You ARE worthy. You ARE beautiful. You gave it your all. Your spouse's choice to give up is their choice. They made that decision and it’s theirs to own. That decision wasn’t on you. Papa allowed you on this journey to teach you something. Something you didn’t know you hadn’t learned yet, something you still maybe don’t know yet.

Keep looking for the lessons from Papa. Keep your beautiful, worthy, head held high and never, ever give up hope.  You are NOT alone. There is…Hope.

Jeremiah 29:11-14a MEV 

11 For I know the plans that I have for you, says the Lord, plans for peace and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you shall call upon Me, and you shall come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 You shall seek Me and find Me, when you shall search for Me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will turn away your captivity and gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord,

We at the Oaks, are here to journey with you. If you are feeling hopeless, are discouraged because of unmet needs, or you're lonely and simply want to talk, The Oaks Organization is here for you. 

You are not alone.

Call our organization number at 419.779.7005 or reach out through our website at www.oaksorganization.org to schedule an appointment to learn more about what the Oaks can do to assist you. We’ll walk with you in your hurt and help get you on that path to heal the devastation of divorce. Because you my friend, are worthy of it.

The Oaks Organization, a 501(c)(3), Christian based ministry harnessing the Holy Spirit and redeeming power of Jesus’s love for victims of divorce. Carrying this mission out though:

• Connection to Trauma therapy for healing of the mind, body and spirit from the effects of divorce 

• Connection to critical financial, educational and housing needs 

• Workforce re-entry with interview skills, mentoring and job securement

• Assistance and connection to community support already available

• Harnessing the Holy Spirit and the redeeming power of Jesus’s love to support individuals journeying through divorce